Kevin

Crazy

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 19:58:33 GMT

Almost no one answers their phone calls or text messages, or even IMs. Certainly not email.

Is there something I don't know about?

Motivation

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 23:06:36 GMT

I have absolutely no motivation to do anything today. I'm pretty much not leaving my room. My weekend was shit. Six hours and it'll be over.

You know what?

Last week was shit, too.

Is it really too much to ask for an unseen meteor to slam into your room at night?

Its not even properly WINTER yet and I already want to die.

Some season this is turning out to be.

Dilute

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 08:08:29 GMT

What I want to say, I've said so many times before.

So many times that the words have lost their meaning,

The phrase just an abstract notion in a tired brain.

But as time marches on, that abstract notion is becoming

A picture, the picture becoming a scene, and the scene

becoming truth.

To Winter:

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 17:35:07 GMT

This morning I opened my eyes
//October 2nd, 2008
To a world dark and cold
//My bed, and the world outside of the window
Almost without notice the seasons had changed
Winter steps up as next in line
With her arms around Fall to intertwine
//Like everyone
For months and months I'll wake up alone
//Everyone else shacks up with each other in the winter..
Remembering the look on Winter's face as she
Grinned over Fall's shoulder
//As they step closer..

Applicable lyrics

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 17:53:17 GMT

Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes..
You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise!

Torn

renrakux@yahoo.com — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 06:02:26 GMT

Two suns in the morning
Two moons in the evening

Two noons in the day,
and two of the same rush hour

Two dreams during sleep
and one doorway on the edge

Possibilities

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 22:56:18 GMT

Look at what could have been

Before the sun went down

And the thread unwound

See the beautiful eyes that blind

And the beautiful ties that bind

Feel the burnt bridges

And smell the roses crushed in time's relentless march

Clocks

renrakux@yahoo.com — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 04:54:53 GMT

Just like with Roland Deschain, time moved on without me.

I pass the time in the old city, hanging out with a friend or two and having a coffee or a beer here and there. I read and write a lot while waiting for Fall to come for round two of Pellissippi.

I hate running into people I used to know. Its good to see that some of them have gone on to lead adequate lives, but the more I see it, the more alien it looks to me.

I keep seeing it in my dreams. Different possibilities of the way things could be. The future is going to be, as per nature's law. The clocks tick forward and cannot be turned back.

But wait, that dream right there? The clock ticks, but the hands don't move. Broken? No..it was intentionally stopped. The rest of the clocks around it continue to tick. I blink and its years later..so many clocks..but that one still stopped..ticking all along. I know exactly what it means and its scary.

Another Number

renrakux@yahoo.com — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 06:45:21 GMT

Another number that'll never answer.
Another face I'll never see.
Another voice I'll never hear.

Those are my days.

I refuse to think of how it could have gone. I refuse to remember things that could have been. Everything that was there now is dead.

Nevar

renrakux@yahoo.com — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 04:52:38 GMT

When I put in my application for UTK for fall early in this year never would I have guessed that they'd reject me.

Why? Because I took three classes at Pellissippi state in 2002, and dropped two of them due to financial reasons. Losing your job and then your car biting the dust within two weeks of each other really fuck up your finances and living situation.

According to UTK, my college GPA is less than 2.0 and they want to have nothing to do with me. I've sent them an email stating that because it was so long ago, I wanted to start fresh with no college credits or GPA on my record to mess things up. Best case scenario is they say, "Our bad" and let me in. Worst case is I have to end up going to Pellissippi for two years, at which point I don't think I'll be going to UTK because the application process has been a nightmare.

I have less than a month before everything has to be finalized on my UTK application. Which according to them, its done, and I'm too stupid to attend.

That's right, folks. I'm apparently dumber than all of the sorostitutes and frat boys.

The Worst

renrakux@yahoo.com — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 00:23:13 GMT

The worst thing is when you get your hopes up and they are not only crushed, but utterly annihilated. Leaving you feeling empty and cold on the inside.

You hope that something else can fill the void, but it never does.

People ruin their lives this way. They turn to drugs, large purchases, overeating, etc. Some people call it a disorder, while others claim that its life.

No, its a disease of society.

Why does everything have to be so counter-intuitive?

Hand of Fate

renrakux@yahoo.com — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 04:50:08 GMT

I'm tired of the proverbial Hand of Fate always stepping in and fucking things up for me. Everyone always has plans, and outside of a few people, no one will so much as talk to me or return my messages anymore.

Its quite disheartening.

Everyone around me is breaking up and the wheels are turning.

Its such a big travesty to them to be alone for the remainder of winter. To be in the cold with no one to snuggle up with. I hate being cold, but sometimes I sit on my porch for a while and read my book, just to remind myself what its always going to be like if things don't change.

Its pretty insulting when you say hi to someone in public and they just turn away like you're going to ask them for a dollar. Its even more insulting that its the normal behavior. It has never been like this and I hope its the bottom..and the only place left to go is up. I'm tired of being looked at like I have an active outbreak of the plague.

I'll be attending UT this fall, full-time if at all possible. Maybe that will be the paradigm shift I've been looking for.

Written long ago

renrakux@yahoo.com — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 02:01:14 GMT

>> I woke up in my bed at my old house. I sat up and looked around, thinking it was a dream. Oh, but it was very real. It was 11AM and my cell phone hadn't gone off. The TV was still on in the living room. I scrambled looking for my phone and knew I would be late.

I didn't even have my Playstation 2.

I remembered that I hadn't bought them yet. There's frost on the window and the house was a little chilly.

The date on my computer is March 10th. 2003.

I verified this. On all the websites I could think of, and on time.gov. It made me happy.

I drove around for half the day, in my Cavalier. To where I worked the day before. To friend's houses. It was all still there, just a touch different.

I didn't recognize anyone at work. I sat in the lobby for a few minutes and left. I went home, and talked to people online. They were none the wiser. I knew she was a dead-end, but I stayed with her. Better to enjoy the time you have left..

Everything went so much differently. And in four more years, everything was much different. Here I sit, year two of a full ride. I couldn't wait to see what February 18th would bring. 2008.

The Pre-Vee Day Show

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 03:13:57 GMT

As if I weren't tired of Valentine's day already, having lived through about 24 of them, only two of them stand out in my mind.

The first one, I had brought flowers to someone whom I had briefly dated. We broke up just days before. I brought them to her so she wouldn't feel sad that no one was there for her on Valentine's day. She looked at her friend and said, "Toldja he'd bring me flowers" and then threw them away. Good, I thought, one less lamer in disguise.

The second one, wasn't on Valentine's day, but was a little before. I had been at a book store when a cute girl with glasses and the tips of her hair spiked walked up to me. Her arms had sci-fi and fantasy based books. My mind struggled to comprehend the awesomeness.

"I saw you looking through those over there and I was wondering..."

Awesome, I thought.

"..if you think my boyfriend would like these. I'm more of a fantasy book person but he's all into sci-fi."

My dreams were crushed.

I don't think she knew what she did, and certainly seemed to intend no malice, but she was a merely a pawn of that twisted little game we call life.

I answered her question, a bit choked up..man I felt stupid for choking up. Ever have all your thoughts come to an instant halt, just as suddenly and unexpectedly as they had started?

Drink with Me

renrakux@yahoo.com — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 15:57:46 GMT

Do I care if I should die,
Now she goes across the sea?
Life without Cosette
Means nothing at all.
Would you weep, Cosette,
Should Marius fall?
Will you weep, Cosette,
For me?

Favorite Line

renrakux@yahoo.com — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 02:09:47 GMT

"The trees are barren everywhere, the streets are full of strangers.."

Still my favorite line in any song.

Catching Up

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 19:04:18 GMT

What happens when I'm 30 and have to make a choice? Will I let myself fall for you and your three kids? Or you and your extreme lard? Or you and your rampant stupidity?

No, I think I'll jump off a bridge.

You all should go do the same for thinking that just because I'm burningly lonely most of the time that I'll settle for someone I'm embarassed to be seen with in public. Fail.

Nope

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 03:42:15 GMT

If the dice were loaded against you, would you keep playing? With every hand I throw it becomes more obvious. When you can chart your life on a very boring Excel spreadsheet, its time for drastic measures.

I don't know what I have to do, but I have to do something. Some people cut themselves. Or write depressing poetry or music. Or break shit. But that's a cycle. The more you do it, the worse off you become, and the problem doesn't get solved. I want to come up with a solution..

..but I don't even know what the problem is. Its like walking in on the first day at work, and everyone tells you to do your job. Then they treat you like shit for not doing it. Not paying you, threatening to fire you, etc. You have no idea what you're supposed to do or how to do it, or who the hell is even in charge or can help, but there you have it.

Saved

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 18:46:03 GMT

I was sad about something and I was going to write about it. I saw a flash of grey and realized my kitten had just climbed my bed, and made a leap of faith over to my computer chair, since she couldn't climb or jump up in my lap directly.

She's currently half-asleep in my lap purring like a new car.

I'm still sad, but I can live with it.

You never realize just how alone you are until you aren't. You don't realize how much it hurts until you're with someone.

The Question..

renrakux@yahoo.com — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 01:24:39 GMT

Do I live in a hopeless world, or am I, myself, simply hopeless?

Sealed

renrakux@yahoo.com — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 06:33:23 GMT

She convinced me we should go on a date..and I agreed. The thought of it had mystery. Excitement. I didn't already know the outcome. It was new and fresh.

But she cancelled, as she had found someone else by the time the day came around.

I realized that it could have been something. Could have gone somewhere. I might have had a real chance. I didn't realize how badly I wanted it until afterwords. I knew that I wanted it, I just didn't think it would mean that much.

But it did, and look what it got me. If anyone else wants a date, I can point you to the person to thank for ruining your chances. I've decided what I want and if I can't have it, well, I'll have nothing at all.

I can seal myself away and not feel a thing, can you?

Hunger

renrakux@yahoo.com — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 04:41:16 GMT

I hunger.

Maybe you cannot comprehend but the rare memory of this hunger. When you just want to touch her face and ask if you can stay there tonight. But she's not there.

Its hard to explain. Imagine if someone were close to you and suddenly they were gone. Without a trace. No record of them exists, and you don't even remember their names or what they look like. You just see a glimpse of them now and then, in someone else's smile or eyes.

Its not angsty or depressing, just a hunger. Like you want a 'burger in a world full of Taco Bell.

Spam: Not Just Email Anymore

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sat, 19 May 2007 20:42:21 GMT

Spam is everywhere.

In WoW, not an hour goes by without several spam messages either in the game mail, or via tell.

I get several porn-spammer invites a day on MySpace. Always with some generic female picture ripped from a porn site or someone's profile. Even the oldschool message boards laying around aren't immune. Spam messages pop up there too.

My front-line email address gets +2k in spam a day, being a Yahoo account. My mostly secret Yahoo account gets maybe four.

Something seriously needs to be done about this shit.

Imagine if absolutely everywhere you went in real life that you were bombarded with people who wouldn't get out of your face, trying to get you to buy whatever product or that you need to have a foot-long dick to compete with other men.

Everywhere. You go to the fucking bathroom and the guy in the stall next to you has a monologue about how big his dick is, and how women won't put up with anything less than that. You go to leave the bathroom and someone else is there, at the sink, telling you about some hot new stock you need to buy for only pennies a share. On the way out someone hands you a flyer for the strip club. You leave the bar only to find that there's an obvious porn star catching up to you to try to ask you out on a date, and that you can reply by going to her website and signing up. Oh, and she needs some kind of surgery that no one will pay for, so its up to you to save her life.

Purged

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 21:54:04 GMT

I deleted a shitload of people the myspace account. If you're one of them and are pissed off, let me know and I'll probably readd you.

Tests

renrakux@yahoo.com — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 20:57:15 GMT

Everything's a test. Administered by yourself. With no scores, no cheating, and no studying. The only way to gague how well you've done is through the eyes of others.

I'm pretty sure I failed, but I feel fine. I walk away from the tests, satisfied, but then everyone hurries on. They cross the street to make sure they don't stay on my side. Very few people even bother to call me back anymore.

I can take being alone. That's always how its been. I just can't stand being the subconscious enemy. Save me the trouble of having to weed out my lists. Just say, "Take me off your list." and it'll be done..no questions asked I'll never talk to you again unless I have to.

Ignore all of this if you actually care, and I know there are at least a few that do.