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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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|Saturday, April 11th, 2009|
Almost no one answers their phone calls or text messages, or even IMs. Certainly not email.
Is there something I don't know about?
|Sunday, November 2nd, 2008|
I have absolutely no motivation to do anything today. I'm pretty much not leaving my room. My weekend was shit. Six hours and it'll be over.
You know what?
Last week was shit, too.
Is it really too much to ask for an unseen meteor to slam into your room at night?
Its not even properly WINTER yet and I already want to die.
Some season this is turning out to be.
|Saturday, November 1st, 2008|
What I want to say, I've said so many times before.
So many times that the words have lost their meaning,
The phrase just an abstract notion in a tired brain.
But as time marches on, that abstract notion is becoming
A picture, the picture becoming a scene, and the scene
|Saturday, October 4th, 2008|
This morning I opened my eyes
//October 2nd, 2008
To a world dark and cold
//My bed, and the world outside of the window
Almost without notice the seasons had changed
Winter steps up as next in line
With her arms around Fall to intertwine
For months and months I'll wake up alone
//Everyone else shacks up with each other in the winter..
Remembering the look on Winter's face as she
Grinned over Fall's shoulder
//As they step closer..
|Sunday, August 31st, 2008|
Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes..
You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise!
|Wednesday, August 27th, 2008|
Two suns in the morning
Two moons in the evening
Two noons in the day,
and two of the same rush hour
Two dreams during sleep
and one doorway on the edge
|Saturday, August 23rd, 2008|
Look at what could have been
Before the sun went down
And the thread unwound
See the beautiful eyes that blind
And the beautiful ties that bind
Feel the burnt bridges
And smell the roses crushed in time's relentless march
|Thursday, June 19th, 2008|
Just like with Roland Deschain, time moved on without me.
I pass the time in the old city, hanging out with a friend or two and having a coffee or a beer here and there. I read and write a lot while waiting for Fall to come for round two of Pellissippi.
I hate running into people I used to know. Its good to see that some of them have gone on to lead adequate lives, but the more I see it, the more alien it looks to me.
I keep seeing it in my dreams. Different possibilities of the way things could be. The future is going to be, as per nature's law. The clocks tick forward and cannot be turned back.
But wait, that dream right there? The clock ticks, but the hands don't move. Broken? No..it was intentionally stopped. The rest of the clocks around it continue to tick. I blink and its years later..so many clocks..but that one still stopped..ticking all along. I know exactly what it means and its scary.
|Wednesday, April 30th, 2008|
Another number that'll never answer.
Another face I'll never see.
Another voice I'll never hear.
Those are my days.
I refuse to think of how it could have gone. I refuse to remember things that could have been. Everything that was there now is dead.
|Thursday, April 10th, 2008|
When I put in my application for UTK for fall early in this year never would I have guessed that they'd reject me.
Why? Because I took three classes at Pellissippi state in 2002, and dropped two of them due to financial reasons. Losing your job and then your car biting the dust within two weeks of each other really fuck up your finances and living situation.
According to UTK, my college GPA is less than 2.0 and they want to have nothing to do with me. I've sent them an email stating that because it was so long ago, I wanted to start fresh with no college credits or GPA on my record to mess things up. Best case scenario is they say, "Our bad" and let me in. Worst case is I have to end up going to Pellissippi for two years, at which point I don't think I'll be going to UTK because the application process has been a nightmare.
I have less than a month before everything has to be finalized on my UTK application. Which according to them, its done, and I'm too stupid to attend.
That's right, folks. I'm apparently dumber than all of the sorostitutes and frat boys.
|Tuesday, March 18th, 2008|
The worst thing is when you get your hopes up and they are not only crushed, but utterly annihilated. Leaving you feeling empty and cold on the inside.
You hope that something else can fill the void, but it never does.
People ruin their lives this way. They turn to drugs, large purchases, overeating, etc. Some people call it a disorder, while others claim that its life.
No, its a disease of society.
Why does everything have to be so counter-intuitive?
|Thursday, February 28th, 2008|
|Hand of Fate
I'm tired of the proverbial Hand of Fate always stepping in and fucking things up for me. Everyone always
has plans, and outside of a few people, no one will so much as talk to me or return my messages anymore.
Its quite disheartening.
Everyone around me is breaking up and the wheels are turning.
Its such a big travesty to them to be alone for the remainder of winter. To be in the cold with no one to snuggle up with. I hate
being cold, but sometimes I sit on my porch for a while and read my book, just to remind myself what its always going to be like if things don't change.
Its pretty insulting when you say hi to someone in public and they just turn away like you're going to ask them for a dollar. Its even more insulting that its the normal behavior. It has never been like this and I hope its the bottom..and the only place left to go is up. I'm tired of being looked at like I have an active outbreak of the plague.
I'll be attending UT this fall, full-time if at all possible. Maybe that will be the paradigm shift I've been looking for.
|Sunday, February 17th, 2008|
|Written long ago
>> I woke up in my bed at my old house. I sat up and looked around, thinking it was a dream. Oh, but it was very real. It was 11AM and my cell phone hadn't gone off. The TV was still on in the living room. I scrambled looking for my phone and knew I would be late.
I didn't even have my Playstation 2.
I remembered that I hadn't bought them yet. There's frost on the window and the house was a little chilly.
The date on my computer is March 10th. 2003.
I verified this. On all the websites I could think of, and on time.gov. It made me happy.
I drove around for half the day, in my Cavalier. To where I worked the day before. To friend's houses. It was all still there, just a touch different.
I didn't recognize anyone at work. I sat in the lobby for a few minutes and left. I went home, and talked to people online. They were none the wiser. I knew she was a dead-end, but I stayed with her. Better to enjoy the time you have left..
Everything went so much differently. And in four more years, everything was much different. Here I sit, year two of a full ride. I couldn't wait to see what February 18th would bring. 2008.
|Friday, February 8th, 2008|
|The Pre-Vee Day Show
As if I weren't tired of Valentine's day already, having lived through about 24 of them, only two of them stand out in my mind.
The first one, I had brought flowers to someone whom I had briefly dated. We broke up just days before. I brought them to her so she wouldn't feel sad that no one was there for her on Valentine's day. She looked at her friend and said, "Toldja he'd bring me flowers" and then threw them away. Good, I thought, one less lamer in disguise.
The second one, wasn't on Valentine's day, but was a little before. I had been at a book store when a cute girl with glasses and the tips of her hair spiked walked up to me. Her arms had sci-fi and fantasy based books. My mind struggled to comprehend the awesomeness.
"I saw you looking through those over there and I was wondering..."
Awesome, I thought.
"..if you think my boyfriend would like these. I'm more of a fantasy book person but he's all into sci-fi."
My dreams were crushed.
I don't think she knew what she did, and certainly seemed to intend no malice, but she was a merely a pawn of that twisted little game we call life.
I answered her question, a bit choked up..man I felt stupid for choking up. Ever have all your thoughts come to an instant halt, just as suddenly and unexpectedly as they had started? Current Mood: pensive
|Monday, September 24th, 2007|
|Drink with Me
Do I care if I should die,
Now she goes across the sea?
Life without Cosette
Means nothing at all.
Would you weep, Cosette
Will you weep, Cosette
|Sunday, September 16th, 2007|
"The trees are barren everywhere, the streets are full of strangers.."
Still my favorite line in any song.
|Sunday, September 2nd, 2007|
What happens when I'm 30 and have to make a choice? Will I let myself fall for you and your three kids? Or you and your extreme lard? Or you and your rampant stupidity?
No, I think I'll jump off a bridge.
You all should go do the same for thinking that just because I'm burningly lonely most of the time that I'll settle for someone I'm embarassed to be seen with in public. Fail.
|Friday, August 17th, 2007|
If the dice were loaded against you, would you keep playing? With every hand I throw it becomes more obvious. When you can chart your life on a very boring Excel spreadsheet, its time for drastic measures.
I don't know what I have to do, but I have to do something. Some people cut themselves. Or write depressing poetry or music. Or break shit. But that's a cycle. The more you do it, the worse off you become, and the problem doesn't get solved. I want to come up with a solution..
..but I don't even know what the problem is. Its like walking in on the first day at work, and everyone tells you to do your job. Then they treat you like shit for not doing it. Not paying you, threatening to fire you, etc. You have no idea what you're supposed to do or how to do it, or who the hell is even in charge or can help, but there you have it.
|Saturday, August 11th, 2007|
I was sad about something and I was going to write about it. I saw a flash of grey and realized my kitten had just climbed my bed, and made a leap of faith over to my computer chair, since she couldn't climb or jump up in my lap directly.
She's currently half-asleep in my lap purring like a new car.
I'm still sad, but I can live with it.
You never realize just how alone you are until you aren't. You don't realize how much it hurts until you're with someone.
|Monday, June 25th, 2007|
Do I live in a hopeless world, or am I, myself, simply hopeless?